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May you find great value in these Funnier quotes and sayings.
You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)
You have enemies? Good.
That means you've stood up for something,
sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde
When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw
We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks-
if we agree with him.
- Mark Twain
A true friend is someone who
thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that
you are slightly cracked.
- Bernard Meltzer
Minds are like parachutes.
They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar
A person with a new idea is
a crank until the idea succeeds.
- Mark Twain
You got to be careful if you
don't know where you're going,
because you might not get there.
- Yogi Berra
My life has been filled with terrible misfortune;
most of which never happened.
- Michel Eyquem De Montaigne
When we remember we are all mad,
the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain
Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
Always listen to the experts.
They'll tell you what can't be done and why.
Then do it.
- Robert Heinlein
When you think you're out of time,
smile, and turn back the clock.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
- Milton Berle
When you reach the end of your rope,
tie a knot and hang on.
- Anonymous Saying
(Sometimes attributed to Franklin D. Roosevelt,
Eleanor Roosevelt, or Thomas Jefferson)
The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec
Life's burdens are lighter when I laugh at myself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
One day Alice came to a fork in the road
and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.
"Which road do I take?" she asked.
His responses was a question: "Where do you want to go?"
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
- Lewis Carroll
Why not go out on a limb?
Isn't that where the fruit is?
- Mark Twain
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller
The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous
Today is your day to laugh at life,
laugh at what's funny - laugh at what's sad,
laugh loud - laugh often,
laugh at me - laugh at you - laugh at life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Normal is in the eye of the beholder.
- Whoopi Goldberg
Okay, here's your first lesson: how to take a FALL!
- the movie Karate Kid
Nine-tenths of the people were created
so you would want to be with the other tenth.
- Horace Walpole
Times like these, dark times,
they do funny things to people.
They can tear them apart.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)
Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.
- Stephen Hawking
The secret of ugliness consists not in irregularity,
but in being uninteresting.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
An old friend will help you move.
A good friend will help you move a dead body.
- Jim Hayes
Old age has deformities enough of its own.
It should never add to them the deformity of vice.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
and that's what parents were created for.
- Ogden Nash
Big sisters are the crabgrass in the lawn of life.
- Linus Van Pelt in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts cartoon
Sometimes I've believed as many as
six impossible things before breakfast.
- Lewis Carroll
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?
- the movie Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth
or burn down your house, you can never tell.
- Joan Crawford
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
There's a fine line between genius and insanity.
I have erased this line.
- Oscar Levant
I'm a very loyal and unreliable friend.
- Bono
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain
You can always do one thing less than you think you can.
- Anonymous
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
As to marriage or celibacy, let a man
take which course he will,
he will be sure to repent.
- Socrates
Here are the opinions on which my facts are based.
- Anonymous
I truly believe that happiness is possible...
even when you're thirty-three
and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
- Steve Martin
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
- W. C. Fields
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?"
Then a voice answers "Nothing personal,
your name just happened to come up. -
- Charlie Brown, in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.
- Albert Einstein
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
- Herm Albright
Whenever I feel the need to exercise,
I lie down until it goes away.
- Robert Maynard Hutchins
I love mankind, it's people I can't stand.
- Charles M. Schulz
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde
I've developed a new philosophy...
I only dread one day at a time.
- the character Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times,
always with the same person.
- Germaine Greer
The trouble with having an open mind, of course,
is that people will insist on coming along
and trying to put things in it.
- Terry Pratchett
Love is an endless mystery,
for it has nothing else to explain it.
- Rabindranath Tagore
I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer
When you're drowning, you don't say,
"I would be incredibly pleased if someone
would have the foresight to notice
me drowning and come and help me,"
you just scream.
- John Lennon
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- Groucho Marx
I refuse to answer that question
on the grounds that I don't know the answer
- Douglas Adams
Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
I love deadlines.
I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.
- Douglas Adams
All diseases run into one - old age.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
True love comes quietly,
without banners or flashing lights.
If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
- Erich Segal
I never make stupid mistakes.
Only very, very clever ones.
- John Peel
Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West
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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.